Gloria Sherrod, LCPCHow to Navigate Common Challenges
Have you ever felt misunderstood by your partner because of your ADHD symptoms? Did you know that an estimated 4-5% of adults live with ADHD, and many of them struggle with maintaining healthy relationships? If you’ve ever felt misunderstood by your partner because of your ADHD symptoms, you’re not alone. Whether it’s the frustration of being asked to “just do the dishes” or the guilt of forgetting an important date, ADHD can create unique challenges in relationships.
Maintaining a relationship when one or both of you has ADHD can be extremely difficult for several reasons. The difficulty concentrating during important conversations, forgetting important dates, sharing physical space when both parties don’t agree on what “organized” should look like, regulating emotions during a heated argument, and more. These are concerns I receive messages about quite often. “My partner does not address his symptoms and is often emotionally dysregulated,” or “I’m fed up that my partner is so messy due to their ADHD; what should I do?” This post will address some of the specific challenges ADHD poses in a relationship, ways to address them, and further resources.
Understanding the Impact of ADHD on Relationships
Communication Difficulties: Being wired differently often means seeing the world differently. This can be positive in many ways, except when messages (verbal or non-verbal) get lost in translation or communication styles differ. People with ADHD might have trouble organizing their thoughts, speak quickly, or easily get off topic. However, when both partners recognize and appreciate these differences, they can actually enhance communication by bringing new perspectives into discussions.
Rejection Sensitivity: Rejection sensitivity is described as an intense emotional response to perceived rejection. This can lead the ADHD partner to be overly vigilant for signs of rejection, react to perceived slights, or become increasingly dependent on reassurance to feel okay in the relationship. For example, if an ADHD partner interprets a neutral comment as criticism, they might respond with hurt or defensiveness, even if no harm was intended.
Emotional Regulation/Impulse Control: ADHD can affect emotional regulation and impulse control, leading to behaviors like impulsive spending, saying hurtful things without thinking, struggling not to interrupt during a conversation, or making big decisions that are ultimately detrimental to both parties. These impulsive actions can strain a relationship, but understanding their root causes can help partners address them more compassionately.
Forgetfulness: The partner with ADHD might forget commitments they made, important dates, or details from a deep conversation. To the partner on the other end, this can feel like a lack of care or attention. Implementing tools like shared calendars or reminder apps can help mitigate these issues and reduce misunderstandings.
Sharing Physical Space/Organization: The partner without ADHD might feel like they’re frequently cleaning up after their partner or that there’s an imbalance in housework. The ADHD partner may feel that things need to be on display to remember they exist, while the other may want a “cleaner” appearance or for everything to be put away at all times. Establishing a compromise, such as designating specific areas for personal and shared spaces, can help both partners feel more comfortable.
Strengthening Your Relationship
Build Empathy and Understanding: One of the best ways to improve how you address these relationship issues is for both parties to know and understand exactly why certain things are or aren’t happening. This is because unmet expectations tend to come with many assumptions, most of which are incorrect. When there is a deeper understanding of ADHD as a couple, there will be fewer assumptions, offense, and misunderstandings all around. Regularly checking in with each other about how ADHD is affecting your relationship and adjusting as needed can further strengthen your bond.
Avoid Becoming Your Partner’s Parent: This is a common dynamic that can occur in a relationship when there is a lack of trust in the abilities of your partner. This can lead to one partner feeling constantly nagged and cause the other to feel resentful over time. Discussing how you can work together and support one another in your goals as a team is the best alternative. Recognizing when this dynamic starts to occur and addressing it early is key. If the non-ADHD partner finds it hard to manage their frustration enough to be collaborative, individual counseling can be immensely helpful.
Valuing One Another’s Strengths: I have received messages from both the ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner, expressing their frustrations. The ADHD partner often feels underappreciated and disrespected, while the non-ADHD partner expresses feeling “at their wit’s end” or “frustrated.” What I often find is that there’s a lack of understanding and appreciation for the strengths and weaknesses that each person possesses. You cannot expect “you” from other people, including your partner. Sit down and list out each other’s strengths, and consider how you can use these to work efficiently as a team.
Professional Help as a Couple or Individually: I always recommend that it would be helpful for both partners to go to their own individual counseling—yes, even the one without ADHD. This can help build stress tolerance skills, coping strategies, patience, greater self-awareness, and more. These valuable skills can all help maintain a healthier relationship. It does not have to be done together, especially if one party is not yet comfortable with the idea of couples counseling. Of course, couples counseling is always an option but not the only option. Some therapists specialize in ADHD and relationships, which could be particularly beneficial.
Take-away
While ADHD can certainly introduce unique challenges into a relationship, understanding these issues and working together to navigate them can make your bond even stronger. Remember, it’s not about eliminating the symptoms but about learning how to manage them as a team. What strategies have worked for you and your partner? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insights might help others facing similar challenges.
